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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It irritates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve read that therapy might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or exposure, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This process will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.